I’ve come to realize that my kids are acting like addicts around these bizarre little red puffs of who knows what. The last bag I bought was commandeered by my eleven year old and smuggled into the bathroom (gross!), where he could munch freely, or so he thought. When I started to wonder where my son had gone about ten minutes later, my other kids were starting to wonder where the Hot Cheetos had gone, and he was found out. He had enough time to put a sizable dent in the bag. At this point the Cheetos then changed hands, it was now my teenage daughter’s turn for her fix. with her baby brother and sister tailing her, she happily munched away while simultaneously trying to ditch the little ones, who were asking her for some. She flat out told them no, and started getting pretty abusive about it. I often find myself breaking up a fight over a bag of hot cheetos. They just act all stupid around them and this is why I finally had to cut the Flamin Hot cord.

My little ones generally won’t eat hot foods (not many little kids do), but Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are the exception. They will eat them almost exclusively if given the chance. I used to joke about them being on the Cheeto Diet, but now it’s not so funny to me. When I stepped back to take a good look at their behavior around these creepy little red devils, I have to wonder if there really is an addictive ingredient in them. They don’t really taste good, I think they’re quite awful. The most alarming thing on the ingredients is how high on the list the artificial colors are. These dyes are not used in the UK because they are known to cause behavior changes in children (not to mention cancer), I recently read that M & M’s uses artificial colors in the US, but uses natural dyes in the UK. So maybe the telltale red fingers are to blame for my kids acting like little crackheads when they get their hands on a bag. I don’t know.

So wish me luck, folks. I’m going to have an intervention at my house. I’m no longer going to be the enabler to four little addicts with red stained fingers. Things might get ugly, but I won’t back down. Flamin Hot Cheetos are outies!

I was blind-sided by the death of my baby brother, who committed suicide after Father’s Day weekend. While I was happily writing my post about overcoming my depression, he was suffering more than I can know. Be at peace, my brother. I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. That’s all I’ll say about that here.

I find that I have little time for anything because all that I do with my extra time is read, read, read! Of course, much time is spent with family on summer activities (I am fulfilling the promise to my kids to spend more quality time in nature, camping, etc.) and school ( I take classes online, and the summer session, since it is compacted into two months, is brutal), but I’ve embarked on an incredible inner journey that is all-encompassing. Outside of massive lifestyle changes, I am devouring information and books about consciousness, quantum mechanics, earth issues and space-time/time/space.

I especially love the positive messages about the year 2012 at David Wilcock’s site, DivineCosmos.com (I don’t know why the link button is disabled,sorry). His down to earth style gives me a good feeling about him (I’m usually skeptical about things I read on the internet). He backs up his way out ideas with good solid science, and he gives references. And he really does try to downplay the Edgar Cayce reincarnation stuff, for the most part, because it takes energy away from his message, which is, simply put, that our species has begun to go through an evolutionary transformation, ie: that we are about to experience an evolutionary ‘jump’. When this happens, we will wake up to who we really are, and we will realize that we are NOT seperate, beings, that we are in fact all the same. Yes, black, white, native, gay, straight, catholic, muslim, republican, democrat, etc, etc…… anyhow it’s worth checking out. I’m not tremendously impressed with the site design (sorry, David), there are some dead links and it took me a little while to find the material. I recommend going to the ‘start here’ tab, and just going down the menu from there.

If you are wondering about the major lifestyle changes I mentioned, for starters I’m changing the way my family and I eat. This is not an easy task. I am meeting some resistance, and I have much to teach my family (and alot to learn my own self!). It will be a tough switch, we really ate alot of bad food! I’ve planted a small garden and I will expand it dramatically next spring. Meanwhile I’m learning all that I can about gardening, consuming mass quantities of myspace bulletin posts and youtube videos like this one.

Starting your own garden is the best way for each of us (and for the planet) to know exactly what we are eating. I want to take this farther in the next few years by also adding some livestock. Chickens, a goat, a cow, and bees, too. Yeah, it looks like I’m turning hippy!

Also, in honor of my brother whom I did not stay in close enough contact, I have vowed to stay in touch with the important people in my life. This is difficult for me because I have reclusive tendencies, I’m rather anti-social. It’s so easy to let our families and friends drift away as we become absorbed in our spouses and our children’s lives, and then when we lose someone we think of all the times we should have been in touch, the things we should have said. I want to take the shouldas, wouldas, and couldas out of my life and just stay close to those who are close to me, from this day forward.

Making conscious changes in our lives requires taking a stand, and sticking with it. It will change everything in your life, but in a good way. I haven’t felt this alive in many years, and I’m not about to let it slip away this time!

So I probably won’t be around too much for the next couple of weeks with all the summer fun, but after finals are done I’m going to start posting more regularly with fresh ideas about love, about food, about us, as a species. Who knows where it will all go, but I’m so looking forward to the journey!

I am not offering any of this as any kind of psychological advice or instruction, this is simply a public journal of my own journey, what has worked for me and what hasn’t, as a part of my own healing. A blog is a form of creative expression that so many of us lack, and creative expression through writing, art, or music is essential for any depressed person to help them on their journey  in their search for wholeness, or, at the least, feeling. I’m an old veteran of the numbness, the emptiness, and hopelessness of not being able to feel anything. Yet, in the bleakest of times, I have always been aware of a tiny light glimmering in my heart, and I’ve let it guide me through some of the darkest times in my life, even though I did not know where it would lead me, and I can say, that if one can hold on to that light in the clenches of the worst times, there is a greater joy and knowing than they have ever felt or known waiting for them once the darkness lifts. And it will lift, we just need to give the process time. If you do not sense that light, then ask for help, whether you are asking family or God, and just blog or draw or play music and wait… even if you suck at it.

I just want to write about my experiences, mostly the ones that occurred in my head, the ones no one knows about, partly for my own selfish reasons, if you will, of therapy through creative self-expression, and, partly to offer any reassurance to anyone else who may be going through the same thing. I know that when I was in my own little personal hell, I felt that no one else in the world knew, or cared, where I was psychologically, mentally, and spiritually.

I think it is important to say that depression is a disease of the soul, a build-up over time of unfelt feelings, lies to the self, and simply not allowing ourselves to be who we are. The only way out is to sit in the pain of being who we are, to let that pain wash over us and burn away our past, to allow ourselves to ‘grieve’ the ‘death’ of that old self, to let go, and to emerge, from the ashes, as a new person. While some people who may be on the verge of suicide could benefit from antidepressants, to be lifted out of the clenches of depression, we must be drug free.

During my last visit to the doctor where i was diagnosed at the low end of severe depression, my doctor prescribed Prozac, which I took for several months before I simply could not take it any more. She recommended that I stay on antidepressants for the rest of my life, because depression is a disease just like diabetes or what have you. She also offered me reassurance that a depressed person cannot simply be expected to ‘buck-up’ or ’snap out of it’ because clinical depression resides in the brain, where the victim’s neuro-transmitters are not functioning properly, and antidepressants can fix these problems. But I don’t really buy the part about needing to stay on meds for the duration. My little red flag went up when she told me that because I KNOW with some certainty that everything is always changing, especially our brain. We can heal our depression from within, and when this happens the brain rewires itself to function properly. I was not aware of this at the time, though.

I’m not slamming my doctor’s recommendations. But, while her reassurances did boost my self-esteem a bit (I felt flawed and even guilty for being depressed!), the Prozac did not sit well with me. I was always gnashing my teeth and quite jittery. I was also aware of the artificialness of my feelings. While my mood DID lift, I could tell it was ‘fake’. It’s hard to explain the ‘unreal’ feeling I experienced under the influence of Prozac. Within a few months I was back at the doctor for something different. I told her how a few years back I was on Wellbutrin and had responded pretty well to it.

We tried a generic version and I was a bit surprised that I did not respond to it at all like I had before. I still felt like the ‘real me’ was obscured behind a veil, I was always quite cottonmouth and I couldn’t catch my breath. All of this finally culminated to the evening when I felt like my backbone was on fire. I had actually heard about a similar reaction from a friend of mine, and, while I do not recommend this course of action, I simply stopped taking the pills and never went back to her. At the time I was reading a book called ‘the seat of the soul’ by gary zukav and something was already awakening deep inside of me. I began returning to myself a more holistic approach to medicine that I had for some reason completely abandoned when I started to see my current partner some 7 years before (but that’s another post). I knew I had to do something before the depression returned so I started taking St. John’s wort and I am still taking it, with very promising results and virtually NO side effects. But this is the important part, I started expressing my emotions through blogging, journaling and art. Playing music is also a great way to express. Expression is crucial to healing, even if no one ever sees it. It is the creative process that is healing, not the final product.

If a person is severely depressed, antidepressants are an effective way of protecting the victim from doing anything drastic (like committing suicide or shooting people). But I also believe it is irresponsible for a doctor to simply prescribe pharmaceuticals for the rest of their days and send them on their way. I think it is important for the therapist to recognize the depth of their patient’s depression in order to prescribe the correct medication in addition to the correct course of therapy. I also think it is crucial for the therapist to consider the condition of the patient’s soul. If they are treading into uncharted territory as far as soul issues go, there are some very helpful books available in this field of study. In some patients medication alone simply covers the pain of depression and does not address the sometimes complex courses of events in the person’s life that got them to this point to begin with. And ultimately, a drugged person cannot be healed because depression deals with emotional and soul issues, and the meds obscure the emotions and messes with the subtle energies of the soul.

I want to put emphasis on the importance of the soul in this subject. It seems to me that therapists have been, for the most part, ignoring a critical piece of the puzzle by not addressing soul issues in conjunction with depression. However, recently things have started to shift to an awareness of soul issues in conjunction with mental health, so I believe there is hope. But do not take your doctor’s prognosis as gospel, and do not take my word as gospel. Experiment, explore, ask for help when you are lost, and you WILL begin to find your own way. And , above all, EXPRESS!!!!!

Allow your feelings. Allow yourself to be. Have you heard of the Indigos? Maybe you are one! I’m pretty sure I am…

These are some of the qualities and challenges that First Wave Indigos experience.

Most Indigos can relate to at least 90% of this list

~ Were born en masse (about 62%) between 1969 and 1987 (With stragglers before and after – 30% were born in the 50’s)

~ Highly intelligent in their “Own Way.”~ Are literally “wired differently” than other people.

~ Know in their heart and core that they are here “on a mission” but many don’t remember what that is or how to go about it.

~ Have an inner awareness that what is being taught in churches and schools is NOT accurate and know there are hidden agendas around the lies that are being accepted by the masses as “Truth.

This is extremely frustrating but inspires them to uncover the cover-ups and expose The Real Truth!~ Have a strong sense of truth, ethics, justice and freedom. (That is why “authority figures” many times irritate and frustrate them). When these are in jeopardy, will give their “all” for their cause, and many times feel they would rather die than give-in to tyranny and deception.

~ Many have strong or unusual Psychic and Telekinetic abilities.

~ Have extraordinary levels of compassion.

~ Have purple/UV as their favorite color or see it in their dreams.

~ Have an affinity to Knights, Castles, and Dragons.

~ Shut down psychic abilities because it scares people.

~ Feel like they could be one of the characters on the 1980’s television series “The Misfits of Science” or one of the young people in Xavier’s school for the gifted in the recent movies from the comic books “The X-Men.

~ Many times get along better with animals and nature than people.

~ Have a bond/connection to the trees, and nature in general.

~ Can relate well to children and or the elderly

~ Feel very comfortable lounging, and would rather sit on the floor on a pillow than in a hard, uncomfortable chair.

(Would prefer sitting on the floor in school, and business meetings if they could get away with it!)

~ Are very attracted to soft natural fabrics in their cloths and fuzzy blankets are the ultimate!

~ Many times get very impatient when with someone who doesn’t get to the point.

~ Creative, inventive, and very intuitive.

~ Involve themselves in human/animal rights efforts.

~ Have an innate sense of “oneness” and connectedness to all of creation. Get confused and disturbed when others don’t share their reality of “at-one-ment.

~ High capacity for love, and therefore others may feel uncomfortable by their intensity.

~ Very sensitive, sometimes “Hyper Sensitive” and may not be able to distinguish between the emotional fields of those around them and their own personal emotions.

~ May go through periods of apathy and cynicism as coping mechanisms.

~ Intense longing for “their own kind”•.Soul Mates•but don’t know where to look.

~ Have what I endearingly term H.D.D. or “Hug Deficit Disorder” and need immense amounts of physical touching, hugs, and love to “cuddle.

~ Because of being misunderstood and then betrayed, may develop strong trust issues, and therefore keep many of their thoughts, feelings and opinions to themselves.

~ About 30% have difficulties expressing them selves, especially in writing.

NOTE: If you read some of the poorly written correspondence from some of these First Wave Indigos, you would assume they were uneducated and nearly illiterate, but the truth is, that these same people can also be speed readers and can absorb information in seconds that would take others minutes to understand and retain.

~ Very disciplined when properly motivated.

~ Get bored and or frustrated in school.

~ Male Indigos (and many Females) for the most part don’t “do authority” very well because most of the time they are smarter than those in authority.

~ Many find themselves in “Alternative Schools.

~ Female Indigos seem to be able to cope better with the school systems than their male counterparts.

~ Many are labeled “Dyslexic” and find themselves in “Special Classes” at school that usually never work for them.

~ Indigos have a strong desire to know “why” •and if they don’t see “the point” in something, (or if is it isn’t explained properly), will feel it is simply not worth their time/energy and will either react with resistance or just simply “blow off” the people/things that seem not worth their time and energy.

~ Innately have their own ways of calculation and many have been accused of cheating in school because they do the answers in their head and cannot show their work.

~ Indigos have an evolved awareness of how things work, therefore, many of the rigid rules and methods of learning Math, English, and Physics (NOT metaphysics or quantum physics) make no sense to them.

~ All First wave Indigos have what might be termed as “A Gift of Healing” ….whether it is making people feel better with their humor and wit, hands on healing, animal and plant healing, healing with music and tone, or healing with new “unproven” methods.. •some of which are natural and need no external training for.

~ Many Indigos have “Telepathic Healing” abilities and long distances make no difference to the efficiency of their work.

~ Because of their expanded perception, unusual creativity, wanting to try new things, and running way ahead of what is being taught in class, many were diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder, and put on Ritalin as children.

~ Most Indigo’s (especially males) have a high innate aptitude for computers/electronics and or auto mechanics. It is common for them to “Just Know” how to operate and trouble shoot with very little help from a book or an instructor.

~ First Wave Indigo’s are extremely creative, and express this innate skill in many (and often times OUTRAGEOUS forms.) These skills manifest in: Drawing, Painting, Sculpting, Decorating, Photography, Writing (in sometimes very extreme and unique ways), Making Blueprints and Prototypes, Composing and Playing Music•.(even if they have never had lessons), inventing games, and creating new & more efficient ways of doing things.

~ Very few Indigos are interested in aggressive sports such as Football and Hockey. They would rather spend their physical exercise time and energy in personal achievement and outdoor sports such as track & field, skateboarding, mountain climbing, cycling, kayaking, etc.

They are also attracted to discipline and self-defense sports such as Fencing and Martial Arts

~ Because of their feeling so foreign to this planet, a very high percentage of Indigos have been put on “Antidepressants” to make them appear “Normal” and fit in our society•.this is just a temporary fix though, and only adds to their challenges.

~ Many Indigos are drawn to Theatrics, Drama, and Stand-up Comedy. In these venues they can “pretend to be someone else” when actually they are using this as an outlet to vent and express their own views and pent up emotions. It is also a place for “misfits” to find a place of refuge and “fit in”.

~ Because of their feeling so “alien” here, many go through periods of severe grief, loneliness, and displacement•..and may turn to drugs, alcohol, or attempt suicide for a way out.

~One trademark that a high % of First Wave Indigos have, is living through extreme hardships as children, teenagers, and young adults.

Many were born into family situations that were physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychically abusive. These Indigos had to figure out how to balance and keep their inherent integrity levels, while being subjected to painful and life shattering experiences. A large % were inplanted in such horrendous situations as: organized crime, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and even ritual/cult abuse & mind control.

This one below is called a ‘black beam.’

How about that? wouldn’t it be cool to get an interview with one of those naughty pilots?
So far the government is denying everything (as expected). Stop back to see my upcoming post of my own personal account of chemtrail creation in action right here in New Mexico (still figuring out how to add the video!)

Many posts in this category will address political stuff and what some will call ‘conspiracy theories.’ To that I say, read with an open mind, and decide for yourself! This blog is about thinking for ourselves, and in that light, remembering NOT to believe everything you read on the internet, because there IS alot of bunk out there. But I like to add what I consider compelling material to get you thinking. So if you don’t like thinking, better go look for another blog to read! lol!

So fearlessly tread into your dark world, and learn the mysteries of death, fear, and loathing!